A day in the life of a friends brothers best mates cousin!

I was spending the day in the house on my own and had already 'knocked a few out' including a couple of 'arm breakers' when I decided there was more to life than 'burping the worm' all the time. My 'blue veined hooligan' had been getting a bit sore lately as a result, and it was thereforetime for my 'womb broom' to experience a bit of action to give 'kojak's money box' a chance to 'shoot some filthy yoghurt' into some woman's 'furry letter box'. 'Feeding the pigeons' is OK but not to the extent I had been doing it. Later that evening I prepared myself for a night on the town with the boys. There's no better preparation then having 'baked one' (held a shite back) for hours and then feeling the ecstasy of 'releasing the chocolate hostage'. It's funny, as soon as the 'pace car' (leading shite) is away the rest comes roaring out of the pits behind it. As a rule I generally 'back one out'twice a day. Anyway I get to the nightclub. There are a few 'swamp donkeys' and 'salad dodgers' hanging around including a few others that looked like they have been 'ram raiding on scooters'. Then I caught the eye of this 'aeroplane blond' (one who had dyed her hair but probably still had a black box). She was tall and slim with 'massive jugs' and 'nipples the size of fighter pilots' thumbs' - amazing. She walked towards me and my mind started to work overtime. It looked like I would be 'feeding the horses' not the pigeons tonight if I played my cards right. I had been a 'harbour master' (one who's been with a few tugs) in my time but this one was an exception. We got talking and it didn't take long for the subject of sex to come up - she was definitely a 'hose monster' (one who can't get enough of the hose) I thought to myself. We talked all night in the club and ended up back at mine where the topic of sex continued. By this point my 'spunk trumpet' was like a 'horse's handbrake'. I could tell she was also getting aroused with all this dirty chat so I ripped off her blouse and sunk my mouth into her bazookas chewing on her nipples which were now 'the size of JCB starter buttons'. My hands started to wander down stairs in search of her 'womb ferret'. When I found it, it was 'wetter than a otters pocket', and so I began to rub it frantically. At the same time she put her hand in my pants and started to 'choke the chicken' and then on to 'smoking the Whitehouse cigar', taking it deep into her throat until my cock was like a 'diamond cutter'. With my hair trigger I didn't want to be labelled 'a dress messer' so I pulled out before it was too late. After a short break I had her knickers off but to my horror there was a 'cotton pony' hanging out of her 'bacon rashers' - I soon got rid of that. I was then faced with a decision, should I go for the 'easy pink or the tight brown'? (fanny or arse) - I decided to play safe on this occasion. 'Like a rat up a drainpipe' I proceeded to 'bend one up' and in no time I was 'porking her' with my 'conkers deep' inside her 'double doors'. Missionary first then onto 'playing the double bass' (doggy style with left hand on left tit and right hand on muff). I can't play the double bass so I just started to bang away as hard as I could until she was 'shaking like a shitting dog' and my 'guy rope' (the skin connecting the fly sheet to the tent pole) was almost splitting. The time had come to 'empty my concrete'. She had already told me she was on the pill (not that it mattered) but I decided to play safe again and 'shot my sperm blunderbuss' across her bows. Instead of firing my 'baby gravy' over her belly and tits due to my excitement I ended up giving her a 'pearl necklace' and other 'jelly jewellery' to match. To show her my appreciation I decided to go down on her and finish off the job. Because she was 'up on blocks' (a leak from under the beetle bonnet) and my cock already looked like a 'barbers pole', I realised it was going to get messy. Fuck it I thought and proceeded to take my first 'sip from the hairy teacup'. It stunk like an 'anchovies fanny' and I could feel the 'mexican lipstick' all over my chops but I didn't give a shit as a hadn't been 'muff diving' for ages. She started to 'cum for England' and was'all over me like a cheap suit'. I must have 'given her a right good shafting'as well because when she got up to visit the loo she was 'walking like John Wayne'. This was two weeks ago now and haven't had a sniff since so I'm back to 'spanking the monkey' again. I've considered turning gay but those camp 'turd-burgling' 'chutney ferrets' make me sick. The thought of a 'crafty butcher'(one who likes taking his meat around the back) pushing his 'chocolate lollypop'in my 'rusty sheriff's badge' and into my 'soil sump' doesn't really appeal. As this 'uphill gardening' business with arsetronauts is definitely not my scene I'm happy to stick to my 'bell ringing' even if it does end up making me blind. Anyway I'm off to 'drop the kids of at the pool' for the last time today.