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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Spit or swallow?

"Time is the fire in which we burn"

Now, aside from being one of my favourite quotes of all time, I actually put some serious thought into this at one point. There is a theory that creatures on this planet have a finite number of heartbeats before they expire, same as the warranty on your PC/car/wife etc. as soon as the warranty expires, pop - game over man, game over. Theory as far as I remember says that people should drop dead when they're in their 30's. Now, being well past my mid 30's this worried me for a few seconds, but now I've come up with my own theory....
It is totally in the interests of a western civilisation to flog the guts out of you for as long as possible, you're paying the taxes remember, it'd be silly if your population were all dropping dead by the time they were 40, but, how the hell are we going to get people to live longer?
The answer? Eastenders, Corrie, --"insert name of crappy TV show here"--.
Brainwaves y'see, transmitted through the not-so-fun medium of television "the man" is able to extend your lifecycle by stimulating the part of your brain that counts the number of heartbeats you've used up to forget what it go to, extending your cash-flow into "his" pocketsies, and fuck me we'll charge them for the pleasure at the same time through the "unique" way the BBC is funded.

Cnuts.

Another theory says that it's proof that we're actually aliens, but that's bollocks, if we were aliens, chicken would taste of something.
So remember, next time you're having a cardiac arrest before your brain packs up in your 80's, watch more TV.
Probably.

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