Happy Halloween

A bald-headed ghost

Drank some witches' brew

And on top of his head

A strange thing grew.

It was pointed and tall

And black as a bat

With stringy long hair

Where his head was flat.

The sad little ghost

Didn't want any hair

Or a black pointed hat

So he said, "Witch beware!"

Then he chanted some words

With a spell-casting switch

And gave Halloween Night

A bald-headed witch!!

Funny Sports Pictures

that's taking ass licking to the extreme...

Catch me if you can...

This girl has been caught with her pants down...

OUCH! That's got to hurt...

Would you use a urinal like this?

Rock, Paper Scissors

Check out this power point presentation. One of the funiest we've ever seen here at the jammy blog.

ROFL*

F-Word mayhem!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/fwordflash.html

Check out these inventive uses for the F-word...

I don't think it was worth it!

Was it really worth it?

Was it worth it?

ATM?

Absolutely Tremendous Machine?

What other suggestions can you come up with? Drop us a line at the TJB.....

Trick or treat?

My arse!!!

One-liners

One-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe:

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow, which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child...
...well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
...Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!

Scientists in London have created a mosquito with glowing testicles in a bid to stamp out malaria.

The male mosquitoes are genetically modified to make them infertile so when they mate with females, no more mosquitoes are produced.

The mosquitoes' sperm has been made fluorescent green so they can be easily identified from females.

No glowing testicles here...

Did you know......

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Voodoo Penis!

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ---" and he stopped."Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old golden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said, "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days,the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained,"I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass. " The rest is history.

Drinkers Alphabet

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High school
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 18 in your drinking party
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H- Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on the fat kid (after just three beers)
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home at 5 am
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too pond a pint nite at the bar
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know...again
O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk...aww yea
T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where u reach ur peak of drinking (or is it 16?)
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it(detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend
Z- Zima: Zomething Different....Zomething Fun :)~

More Childhood Nostalgia!

Are you between the ages of 20-30? If so you may remember a 6 year fad called ‘Manta Force’!


The basic story behind these BlueBird toys was that a group of intrepid explorers had left the Earth in a massive space ship (pictured) in order to colonize Earths twin planet the inspirationally named ‘New Earth’. However all did not go well, a group of fruitcakes from one of Earths Mars Colonies called The Vipers stow away on the spaceships maiden flight and cause all kinds of un-planned naughtiness.

The ship itself retailed at about £40 in 1985 and broke open to reveal no less than 10, yes count em, 10 smaller ships and about 15-20 small figures that could be used to control the vehicles or if you like, bounced about the house whilst making un-realistic ‘pew-pew-pew’ noises before dying bravely for the people of Earth. It also came with a collection of bright yellow plastic bullets, which either failed to fire spectacularly or ricocheted off every wall in the house before blinding the cat!

The range grew over the years and the evil Vipers got their own less-impressive ship that also split up to form a series of smaller vehicles. Shortly afterwards an evil army of robots was added, along with a fortress from which the good guys could lay waste to their enemies. Another evil army of killer aliens followed along with a staggering collection of medium to small add on toys that ranged from £3.99-£20! A second good guy ship was also released, but I had moved on to Super Mario long ago by that stage (1991). Much to my Mothers relief, she was sick of fetching small plastic men out of the vacuum cleaner.

BlueBird were bought out by Mattel and the range ended. You don’t get value like that anymore!

Do you remember the Manta Force? Do you still have some of the old toys? If so post a comment and let us know.

A day in the life of a friends brothers best mates cousin!

I was spending the day in the house on my own and had already 'knocked a few out' including a couple of 'arm breakers' when I decided there was more to life than 'burping the worm' all the time. My 'blue veined hooligan' had been getting a bit sore lately as a result, and it was thereforetime for my 'womb broom' to experience a bit of action to give 'kojak's money box' a chance to 'shoot some filthy yoghurt' into some woman's 'furry letter box'. 'Feeding the pigeons' is OK but not to the extent I had been doing it. Later that evening I prepared myself for a night on the town with the boys. There's no better preparation then having 'baked one' (held a shite back) for hours and then feeling the ecstasy of 'releasing the chocolate hostage'. It's funny, as soon as the 'pace car' (leading shite) is away the rest comes roaring out of the pits behind it. As a rule I generally 'back one out'twice a day. Anyway I get to the nightclub. There are a few 'swamp donkeys' and 'salad dodgers' hanging around including a few others that looked like they have been 'ram raiding on scooters'. Then I caught the eye of this 'aeroplane blond' (one who had dyed her hair but probably still had a black box). She was tall and slim with 'massive jugs' and 'nipples the size of fighter pilots' thumbs' - amazing. She walked towards me and my mind started to work overtime. It looked like I would be 'feeding the horses' not the pigeons tonight if I played my cards right. I had been a 'harbour master' (one who's been with a few tugs) in my time but this one was an exception. We got talking and it didn't take long for the subject of sex to come up - she was definitely a 'hose monster' (one who can't get enough of the hose) I thought to myself. We talked all night in the club and ended up back at mine where the topic of sex continued. By this point my 'spunk trumpet' was like a 'horse's handbrake'. I could tell she was also getting aroused with all this dirty chat so I ripped off her blouse and sunk my mouth into her bazookas chewing on her nipples which were now 'the size of JCB starter buttons'. My hands started to wander down stairs in search of her 'womb ferret'. When I found it, it was 'wetter than a otters pocket', and so I began to rub it frantically. At the same time she put her hand in my pants and started to 'choke the chicken' and then on to 'smoking the Whitehouse cigar', taking it deep into her throat until my cock was like a 'diamond cutter'. With my hair trigger I didn't want to be labelled 'a dress messer' so I pulled out before it was too late. After a short break I had her knickers off but to my horror there was a 'cotton pony' hanging out of her 'bacon rashers' - I soon got rid of that. I was then faced with a decision, should I go for the 'easy pink or the tight brown'? (fanny or arse) - I decided to play safe on this occasion. 'Like a rat up a drainpipe' I proceeded to 'bend one up' and in no time I was 'porking her' with my 'conkers deep' inside her 'double doors'. Missionary first then onto 'playing the double bass' (doggy style with left hand on left tit and right hand on muff). I can't play the double bass so I just started to bang away as hard as I could until she was 'shaking like a shitting dog' and my 'guy rope' (the skin connecting the fly sheet to the tent pole) was almost splitting. The time had come to 'empty my concrete'. She had already told me she was on the pill (not that it mattered) but I decided to play safe again and 'shot my sperm blunderbuss' across her bows. Instead of firing my 'baby gravy' over her belly and tits due to my excitement I ended up giving her a 'pearl necklace' and other 'jelly jewellery' to match. To show her my appreciation I decided to go down on her and finish off the job. Because she was 'up on blocks' (a leak from under the beetle bonnet) and my cock already looked like a 'barbers pole', I realised it was going to get messy. Fuck it I thought and proceeded to take my first 'sip from the hairy teacup'. It stunk like an 'anchovies fanny' and I could feel the 'mexican lipstick' all over my chops but I didn't give a shit as a hadn't been 'muff diving' for ages. She started to 'cum for England' and was'all over me like a cheap suit'. I must have 'given her a right good shafting'as well because when she got up to visit the loo she was 'walking like John Wayne'. This was two weeks ago now and haven't had a sniff since so I'm back to 'spanking the monkey' again. I've considered turning gay but those camp 'turd-burgling' 'chutney ferrets' make me sick. The thought of a 'crafty butcher'(one who likes taking his meat around the back) pushing his 'chocolate lollypop'in my 'rusty sheriff's badge' and into my 'soil sump' doesn't really appeal. As this 'uphill gardening' business with arsetronauts is definitely not my scene I'm happy to stick to my 'bell ringing' even if it does end up making me blind. Anyway I'm off to 'drop the kids of at the pool' for the last time today.