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Friday, September 30, 2005

Would you have one of these?

Nissan Motor's concept car 'Pivo' is unveiled in Tokyo. Nissan's 'Pivo' only goes forward -- with a cabin able to revolve 360 degrees, eliminating the need to reverse.

Are you up to the challenge??


Check out the World Beard Champions! Do you think you can compete with these guys? If so drop us an e-mail the TJB, address to your right...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Poo survival guide!

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. (yep..guilty)
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Chill out in new bar

It is surely Britain's most chilled venue: a new bar in central London has been fashioned entirely from ice. The furniture, decorations - even the glasses - have all been carved from huge blocks of frozen water.All the ice was harvested in Sweden - chopped from frozen lakes - and exported to the UK.The bar has been built by the same people who built Sweden's famous Ice Hotel.Every summer the hotel melts and every winter all 58 bedrooms are rebuilt.Ice sculptor Ake Larsson has plied his trade in the Nigerian desert, so an ice bar in London was no problem.Customers are given outfits to ward off the cold but the experience does not come cheap. It costs £12 for 45 minutes in the coolest place in town. And it is definitely a non-smoking establishment.

Nobbys Facts

Most pirates had two perfectly good eyes. By wearing an eye patch at all times the covered eye would become highly sensitive, making it ideal to navigate at night using the stars.
Modern Day soldiers are taught a similar night vision technique during basic training, to assist them when fighting under the cover of darkness.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Clever Mr Bush

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

"How many is a Brazillion??!"

Christmas is cancelled!!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

You still would though ...wouldn't you?

I visited a frail, old gypsy last night and after crossing her palm with silver she drew out her cloth covered, rickety table with regulation crystal ball planted in the middle. The gypsy woman began to hover her sweaty hands over the ball and spat some unpronouncable babble. The tension rose in the small tent she called home and I said, "What can you see? What is it? Damn you traveller!"
"Silence boy! Patience will be a worthy attribute, should you learn it."
"Push forward you imbecile", I said. "I'm hungry for knowledge."
"Then you shall receive that what you desire, although I do not believe you can carry such a burden right now. For the ball reveals secrets that are most sought after and if they were to fall into the wrong hands, I can imagine catastrophy."
This is nonsense I thought. How can anything this poor old bag has to say have any relevance and be anything other than a cheap scam. I decided to humour her and get the misery over and done with.
"I'm ready for your secrets old woman. Throw them upon me. Gently."
"Very well young Sir, but listen carefully..."
"YES?!", I barked.
The gypsy lady slowly craned her head both to the left and the right before eerily whispering,
"You ain't gettin' your money back! Look into the ball..."
I looked into the hazy ball and could make out several images, growing stronger in clarity.

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

It's freezing!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing, the two retire.... he to the upper bunk, she to the lower .. and quickly fall asleep. At 1am he leans over and gently wakes the woman. "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you mind reaching into the closet and getting me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies groggily. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims."Good," she replies. "Get your own f!"£"%g blanket!" There is silence..................Then he farts.

Friday, September 23, 2005

ASDA Price....

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he
could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

The Jammy Labs (Pt3)

Hello we've been at it again in the Jammy Labs, we have come up with another strange creature. What do you think cute or strange???

Thursday, September 22, 2005

How!

This Native Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. Say, mom,", he asked, "why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm'?" "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.", she replied. "Why is my sister named 'Cornflower'?" "Well," his mother answered, "your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her." "And why is my other sister called 'Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," the mother replied. "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Prom night in da hood!





Out on bail freshoutta jail, California dreamin...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Watch and learn!

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to teach them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear". At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger"

The Jammy Labs (Pt2)

Hello we have been working really hard on our new cloning experiment in the Jammy labs, we are extremely proud to introduce our 2nd clone. Please feel free to add your comments about this strange looking creature, remember, we need a name for this animal so your comments count.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Sister Mary....

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nun, "Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun giggles and slyly replies, "Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, "Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says "Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush?!" The nun replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!

T-Shirt of the Day

Welcome to t-shirt of the day, here we post some great T-shirt designs from one of our affiliate companies. Please feel free to search their site.

T-Shirt of the Day September 20th 2005

Monday, September 19, 2005

Mary Mary.....

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe." When Mary did not stir, little Johnny, who was seated in the chair behind her, took out a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said,"Very good Mary." Mary fell asleep once again. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Mary did not even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and once again the teacher commended her and she fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And once again Johnny jabbed her with the pin thinking he was helping. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted

Kimbo's New Chick

I have just received some top secret information about some girl one of our main Jammy contributors has the hots for.... I have managed to obtain an image of this chick and have decided to ensure all bloggers know the truth. My source has told me this person goes by the name of HIP FLOW and is unaware the admiration our chief contributor has for her...

Hip Flow in Mexico (20/06/2005)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Who farted?

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "how embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.""It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

Bless You!

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane. He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he answers.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Awww.... poor Billy!

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Mom.. I'm hungry!

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night huh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?". The little girl says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

Hung Over?

If your feeling a little tender today then take a look at these and thank your lucky stars your not in their shoes...




















Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Confessions!

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk."He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I.......I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........ "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.....I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know..." Becky whispered softly,
"That's why I poisoned you."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Til' death do us part!

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.

The Jammy Lab

Here at the jammy blog we have decided to put some funds aside for experiments in the Jammy Labs. Our first venture in to the world of science will be cloning.

The Jammy Blog is happy to announce the arrival of our first Clone.
Please could you help us name our new friend by leaving your comments below.

Monday, September 12, 2005

A man with no hands???

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Meet the parents!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. "We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Walls!

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all". Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got anymoney!!" Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said,"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

Mario Madness

Well I know some of you think you are good at computer games, but if you have just 11 minutes to spare you could watch this clip of a young Japanese kid complete Super Mario 3 in just 11 minutes (17.5MB) that's right 11!

And I thought I was good a computer games just watching the first couple of levels made me laugh...


*If the video take to long to stream, right click the hyperlink and select save as or save target as.

LooNacy

From the outside this looks like a really fancy public toilet

Made from mirrors you can imagine every one having a little look at them selves to ensure they're looking good.



However once you step inside things become very strange,

It's bloody see through Arrrgh....


Could you???

Caption Competition.

Here is the new entry for our caption competition. The winner last time was Andy with his ‘prosthetic arms @ McDonalds’ joke. Check out the archives to view our old Caption Competitions for more original humour.

Bullet Proof Sven


NORTHERN IRELAND 1 - 0 ENGLAND


England suffered one of the most embarrassing defeats in the history of English football last night. As a precaution England manager has been forced to don a bullet proof vest in fear of reprisal's from angry England fans.

The fans chanted "Sack the Swede" as Sven showed no emotion as his side were humiliated in Belfast.
And proud supporters were fed up with the man who enjoyed red-hot times with old flame Faria Alam, but who can only manage to be lukewarm for England.
They were thrashed 4-1 by Denmark last month, and scraped a 1-0 win over minnows Wales at the weekend.
Our national side now needs to win both of their remaining Group Six matches if they are to guarantee reaching the 2006 tournament in Germany.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Avast yer scurvy dogs (ptII)


In preparation for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, I’ve found this useful like that will enable you to add the right level of pirate-speak to your e-mails and other documents.

So get clicking on the link and in no time at all your word documents will sound as if they have come from the mouth of Davey Jone’s himself.

Midget Basketball

I would like to introduce you fellow bloggers to a new game coming to a small community near you, that's right your not seeing things, it's midget basketball. I stumbled across this on the internet today and would love to know if there's any tournaments running at the moment. I would love to go a catch a game of Midget basketball, I have wondered though? Do they use full size courts and NBA heights for the Hoops??? I also love to see a super small midget team V's the New York Nicks, who do you think would win that game?

I've had a good look on the internet and can't seem to find any good resources for this sport, may be it's still underground or on street level. If you know of any site on the Internet please let us know...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It's behind you!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Beware of the latest scam!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

One of God's helpers

During a college class a professor, professing that he was an atheist to the class that he was teaching told them that he was going to prove to them that there is no God.
He said, "God, if you are real, I want you to knock me off of this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God. I'm waiting!"
It got down to the last couple of minutes and a young veteran service member just released from being on active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, and hit him full force in the face, which sent him tumbling from his platform.
The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The veteran replied, "God was busy; so he sent me!"

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Tax Inspector

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" (Matzo: a very thin brittle biscuit of unleavened bread)

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box ofmatzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Taliban kitty captured!