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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Spit or swallow?

"Time is the fire in which we burn"

Now, aside from being one of my favourite quotes of all time, I actually put some serious thought into this at one point. There is a theory that creatures on this planet have a finite number of heartbeats before they expire, same as the warranty on your PC/car/wife etc. as soon as the warranty expires, pop - game over man, game over. Theory as far as I remember says that people should drop dead when they're in their 30's. Now, being well past my mid 30's this worried me for a few seconds, but now I've come up with my own theory....
It is totally in the interests of a western civilisation to flog the guts out of you for as long as possible, you're paying the taxes remember, it'd be silly if your population were all dropping dead by the time they were 40, but, how the hell are we going to get people to live longer?
The answer? Eastenders, Corrie, --"insert name of crappy TV show here"--.
Brainwaves y'see, transmitted through the not-so-fun medium of television "the man" is able to extend your lifecycle by stimulating the part of your brain that counts the number of heartbeats you've used up to forget what it go to, extending your cash-flow into "his" pocketsies, and fuck me we'll charge them for the pleasure at the same time through the "unique" way the BBC is funded.

Cnuts.

Another theory says that it's proof that we're actually aliens, but that's bollocks, if we were aliens, chicken would taste of something.
So remember, next time you're having a cardiac arrest before your brain packs up in your 80's, watch more TV.
Probably.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Things to do when you've got nothing else to do!


You could make a model car, plain, train, or like some nutty professors in China you could make your own remote control pigeon????


Yeah you heard me correctly some cheeky chaps in China used micro electrodes implanted in a pigeon's brain to make it fly left, right, up or down. That kind of makes me wonder what other animals would be cool to remote control, MMMmmmm I'll have to think about that one.


Why a pigeon though, Maybe those crafty Chinese remembered how they were used during the wars of old, to send messages etc, maybe they're looking at attaching tactical warheads under the wings and using them as weapons of war. If you want to read more check it out the article I found Chinese Scientists Control Pigeon via Remote Control. AMAZING!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Does Jammy need a diet?


Chaps,

Blogging away this morning and it's taking ages... It's not the blogging itself but the view of the Jammy afterwards.. The front page is longer that 10 long things and I'm measuring the load time in Carbon half lives (The half -life of Carbon 14 is 5730 years) rather than seconds..

We've got blog entries going back to the stone age, well May last year anyway. So Jammy Blogmiesters, do we have any options to trim the front page to something more managable autoomagically?? Maybe a couple of months worth.. What do you think chaps?

Meetings make you dumber


Meetings make you dumber eh. No shit Sherlock, sounds like something that should be coming from the University of Stating the Bleeding Obvious. I've been trying to avoid meetings for years. What's the point of having management to filter these things out if they then drag you, the people who actually get the jobs done, into the same pointless meetings.. I've lost hours and hours over the last couple of weeks sitting in these brain sapping sessions.. Now it transpires it's actually provable.

OK, so the article doesn't exactly say meetings make you dumber per se, but a large group of people tend to loose their creativity and have a harder time coming up with new ideas.. Sounds like a perfect reason to avoid meetings at all costs to me..

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Experts my arse

Following on the my Grittish Bass story earlier I have an update but first I need to clear something up. Anyone know what the definition of an Expert is? Let me break it down for you :-

"Ex" - A Hasbeen
"Spert" - A drip under pressure

So, the Grittish Bass hasbeen drip under pressure was round as you know to look at our central heating nightmare and he decides we need to spend a fortune on something that's not covered under the Grittish Bass warranty. My Arse, says I.... We have heating working so well we ended up opening the windows last night to cool the place down again and it's all down to balance. I wont bore you all with the details but suffice to say the house is yet again toasty warm and no thanks to the hasbeen drip under pressure.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Hang Over Study


Just sat at home feeling shitty cos I had a skin full last night (no sick though)


Question: Does any one have any good hang over cures?


Because I DJ every weekend in a local pub I find it extremely hard not to drink on a regular basis (not a bad thing I know) however, I never no when to stop and very often end up feeling like a dirty drunken Scotsman.


So, I have decided to take any ideas you might have to get rid of these nasty weekend mornings, test them and post back the results on the blog for all to see.


Please leave all ideas in the comments, I will start my study next weekend so be sure to check back for the results

Friday, February 23, 2007

Rasterbation!

Ever wanted to create HUGE posters of images you already have?
Imagine, the photoshopped Kirsten Dunst .jpg "spreading pink" for you that still resides on your drive printed out over 10 X 10 A4 sheets.

Which leads me into the software in question, with the unlikely name of the "Rasterbator" this totally free software is just the thing for you.

Pop over to this linky

Have fun

Thursday, February 22, 2007

USBO

OK, I've decided to create a new regular spot to the Jammyblog, the University of Stating the Bleeding Obvious (USBO).

It seems that the Office for National Statistics had a bit too much budget left coming up to April and decided to commission some research (on behalf of the USBO) that suggest non other than the idea that Scottish people drink more than regular people!!!

OMFG WTF BANANAMAN!!!!!

I never knew that, good job that some tax payer money was spent finding out this very important fact, I can sleep soundly now I know this.

But wait! It's not over yet, the USBO have also discovered that young girls from under-privileged areas are four times more likely to get fucked in a bus shelter and fall pregnant! Apparently its even worse if you take into account girls under the age of 16!!

Well knock me down with a feather if I didn’t know that!!

More from the USBO as it comes in. In the meantime I'm off to the nearest council estate to find a run down bus shelter, presuming Jamie hasn't beaten me to it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Retro cool?

I just have to lol at the current wave of total tat that appears to be "time tunneling" it's way forward from that most unfortunate era in our history - "The 70's".

For example, did anyone go to school on a space-hopper? My own father used to tell me that my grandad - a working class Manc born and bred - used to berate him for wanting a bike to go to school on, and suggest he go to school on his "fucking hoop and stick" lol.
Apart from being a rather unfortunate nickname for a lady of less than good looks, the spacehopper was frackin' useless. You'd travel like 5 feet on one (15 feet travelled - mostly backwards) in the space of 10 minutes of frantic "bouncing" whilst at the same time performing feats of balance worthy of a seasoned tightrope walker, just to stay on the thing.

Another victim of this fad is the Raleigh Chopper.
Now - when I was a kid - I REALLY wanted one of those, never got one - they were too expensive, I mean what more could you ask for, small front wheel, big back, sturmey archer 3-speed on a monkey chain, it was for me the Ferrari of pushbikes. The crowning glory of the bike was the kickass gearchange, smack bang in the middle of the frame with a proper gearchange handle - just like an automatic car.

The 21st century version, although cosmetically similar has become the bastard son of it's father, the coolest gearchange ever has become a victim of the dreaded H&S Executive, because people can't be responsible for their own actions these days and need to be wrapped in fluffy nice smelling foamy softness, the gearchange has gone. Bike's lost it's magic for me.

Why do we crave the stuff we had as kids? Did we lose something or have things moved on too quickly?
Wonder what the next thing to make a comeback from the 70's is going to be? The 3 day working week? (the reason I never got my fucking chopper) The summer of discontent? (well, the way the current government appears to be mis-managing everything from peerages to road fund pricing may just see that one happen for real) Hot summers and snowy winters? The complete and utter disregard for any kind of fashion sense?

When I was a kiddy I was always told in school (in the freaky mid 70's by the way) "We'll be taking holidays on the moon by the year 2000". I guess Stelios missed out on that one, but the fact remains, the 70's - when we come to look at the big picture - was fucking crap, much like a good deal of the retro crap* being churned out by lazy bastard product development departments.

*with the exception of LED watches - because they're just plain cool - and I have one.

Grittish Bass


Shhh, it's bad karma to say it out loud...

So, there we are, being good householders and wanting to take care of our rather expensive investment.... so we signing up for plumbing and central heating cover.. great.

Round popped the nice man from Grittish Bass and gave us a clean bill of health. So we're covered right? Well, not entirely. Yes, we are covered but there's a rather large list of things that aren't covered (actually, 'er indoors says I have to say there's only about 3 things that aren't covered but who believes her anyway). You know, stuff that's part of your heating system that you would expect to be covered but would actually cost more than a cople of quid for Grittish Bass to cover...

So of course the first problem we have and have to call them out and it's one of those pesky things on the list.. We seem to have a blockage. Yep, something as simple as a blockage and it's not covered. "No problem" says Mr Bass.. " We can organise a super turbo power flush of the whole system for £500"... OMHW WTF BBQ.. 500 squigglies to shove a presure washer in the radiators.. The misses says there's also chemicals involved.. I think they've been drinkin their own chemicals. £500 !!!!!!!! my arse...

So it's down to me and daddy DIY......

Will blog the impending flood and cut finger pictures as they happen..

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'm a lumberjack?

So recently at our place of gainful employment we've been going through a sudden glut of "eco-friendly mega global conglomarate sure we can be nice to the planet but on our terms" otherwise known as ISO14001, which on the surface appears to be a way to pay your way to an eco-friendly rubber stamp, but that said, it got me thinking about stuff.

Maybe I should turn off the Microwave, I don't really use the clock on it - I never read the frackin' manual to set it and it's always 17 hours out anyway.

Mirth and merriment was to be had by us IT dudes with all the switching off stuff idea, things only ever break when you turn them ON - Dell's gotta be loving it (wonder if they sponsor the ISO14001 standard? Now there's a conspiracy theory for yah).

Anyhoo it appears that a mature tree gobbles up a bazillion kilos of Co2 in it's lifetime - what if I bought a whole woods?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to trade my Co2 emissions and be able to sleep at night knowing that future generations will be just dandy because I bought a patch of woodland in some unknown area of North Wales (prolly get it burned down by those nationalist Welshies anyway) but the kiddy in me immediately came out.

Oh wow - imagine - you could get your mates down there and run about with sticks for tommy guns.. pew pew - you're toast Fritz!

Kipping out under a bivvy and making "creature of the forest" flavour coffee over a campfire made from your own trees.

Rope swings? Tree houses? fuck me the possibilities are almost endless, best of all, you can't get done for it - it's your woods!

So I thought I'd mention it to the wife, kinda casually as you do, convo went something like...

"Hey love - can I have a woods"?
"It'd be great we can sleep at night knowing we've done something to offset the wasteful Western lifestyle we lead, the hours of TV and computer usage, the evil emissions our vehicles make whilst sat queueing on the A628 every morning, I'm not going all eco-hippy but I think we'd be doing ourselves and future generations a great service by ensuring at least one part of this small island we live on remains green".

"Are you taking the piss"?

"Um - yeah - of course I am"

:(

Fleeced (yet again)

Argh, I might as well just stick a stupid great sign on top of my head with an arrow pointing to me that reads "Glutton for punishment - please kick"

My lad was listening to Limp Bizkit's "Results may vary" CD, song comes on "Behind Blue Eyes", I goes - wow - I've got the original of that on the old Who LP "Who's Next"

Long story short, I dusted off my record player wired it all up - it used to be part of an old midi system but the old gears long gone, had to rewire stuff with plenty of mad scientist buggering around finally got it working.

Shit, the stylus is shagged.

So I thinks, no probs, will just hop on the intraweb and get a new one rushed to me by Her Majesty's postal service, surely it won't cost more than a couple of quid with postage, after all, there's nothing to it but a bit of plastic and a hollow needle with a point......

28 quid plus postage later.... DOH!

That'd buy me a couple of gigs of pendrive I could have the entire Who discography on.

Finally put the track on, and immediately wished I hadn't... Record's in bog order (I bought it 2nd hand in my teens and played it's ass off then) snap/crackle and indeed pop for the lose.

Wonder what else I can piss money away at? Anyone in touch with any Nigerian Government officials I could drop a line to?

Monday, February 19, 2007

Sickest Site on the Internet - Rate My Poo

Hello Folks, a friend of mine (if you can call him that) sent me a URL the other day for probably one of the sickest most revolting websites I have ever seen in my life. The URL of the site pretty much says it all http://www.ratemypoo.com/ If you think you're man or woman enough, get on there and get some ratting done. If you last more than 4 or 5 views you're a very very sick individual.


Happy Surfing, if you know any funny but slightly sick websites let us know...

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More profanity from Roger....

Titnotised
adj.
To be involuntarily mesmerised by a smashing pair of fun bags.

Addictive little box of tricks


A wise man once said....


"Y'know, I pity the fool that gets totally hooked onto his PDA"


OK, maybe not but I'm fast coming to the conclusion that PDA's are filled with drugs that make you fuck about with 'em - often to the detriment of your own personal safety*
OK, so I e-bayed a Palm Lifedrive, with 4 squigglies of onboard hard drive, another 4 up the memory chute and every frickin' little app you can get your head around - including a ripped torrented copy of TomTom.

OH MY GOD!

This thing is totally addictive, I used to sneer at the idiocy of people sitting pointing at a small screen with an inkless pen prodding icons, but I'm a convert, I just hope there's no hard drugs being transmitted into the screen and permiating through the pads of my fingers, though I am starting to wonder..

*As I mentioned I have TomTom on this thing and was on a 300 or so mile round trip over the weekend, combined with a cheap GPS receiver it's a technological marvel, but it has a HUGE drawback.
I've stopped seeing the colour RED.

Seriously, I'm so busy following the sultry instructions of JANE - UK that I appear to be ignoring the most deadly colour of all.

On at least 3 occasions during this trip I almost totalled myself, the car and Mrs. Grimster because of the wooing voice of JANE - UK, forcing me to dismiss the colour red, whether that be the brake lights of the 40-ton articulated lorry 5 feet ahead of you on the motorway or the lights of the pelican crossing, there should be a Government health warning on it.
The machine is scary in other ways, sync it to your work calendar and you actually start to care about where you should be, and when.

I've got to go because It's telling me I have outstanding helpdesk calls to close.

Help.

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Friday, February 16, 2007

Roger's Profanisaurus

I’ve decided to share with you lovely reader, a few select entries from Roger Profanisauras, which is available from all good bookshops (Please don’t sue me Roger..) and contains perhaps the whitiest words ever known to man.

Back in The Day when we all worked together a copy of the above graced my desk for all to read and have a good chortle at, but now I’m using the mediums of cyber space to do the same.

So without further ado, here is today’s word..

Palmorama
n.
A late night ‘investigative’ report into the American porn industry or similar, eagerly watched by single men who have a penchant for hard news.

Another one soon…

Should we kill the children or the parents....? Hmmmm


After reading Mr G's blog on school holidays I happened to catch his off the cuff remark about Chocolate Straws and i was going to add a comment but i decided a whole new blog needed to be done instead.

Basically all i have to say is that if my children ever even suggest the idea of drinking milk through a chocolate straw they will find very quickly that all their future meals will have to be fed to them in a straw based form.

And dear parents, if you are so totally dominated by the spoiled middle class arrogant bastard spawn that you shat into this world that you have to bow down to their every whim just to avoid another e-number fuelled temper tantrum in the middle of Tescos, (breathe) then i strongly suggest that you stamp your children 'Return to Sender' and post then to the local Social Services office. I hear that they take all sorts now just to hit their adoption targets and ensure the local authority doesn't cut the budget, so no worries eh?

Shortly after that you should arrange to have yourself spayed in some manner so as not to further pollute the human genome with your clearly defunct DNA...

...and thats that.

/rant:off

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Of course we're going to fling poo at them....



So after spending the last 20 minutes trying to explain to a user why she couldn’t open a Word document on a PC that didn’t have Word installed I realised how very little I actually cared about whether or not this user got her job done.


Then I started to think about how strange it was that the Jammyblog died so quickly once we all lost touch with each other. Perhaps there really is something to the expression out of sight out of mind?


Then I started to think maybe it the monkeys fault? And I’m not just talking about the poo flinging and the HIV!


Recently a fellow blogger sent me this and I must admit I think this guy might be onto something!

Monopoly

Out of the frickin' blue the self-confessing, self-abusing baldy man puggs starts to spam mails at us ranting about how we should be posting to the Jammy Blog (I thought it's toes had curled up during the takeover of the hostile Google God - the comment spam's looking good).

Jammy's not been seen since playing script kiddy and ripping code from the web and calling it his own, and as puggs says, kimbo shuffled off this mortal plane to another life on the bottom of the planet and things have gone downhill.


No love.


Which brings me onto my current rant.


Booking your holidays. Woe betide you if you want to book your jollies in the summer, kids are off so they (the travel and tourist industry) can financially take the piss out of you, yes you, the hard working tax-paying short vacationed public, you're being squeezed by the holiday people/airlines/hotels even fuckin' ice-cream vendors just because the kids are off school.

Now this wouldn't be too bad were it not for the fact that it's government sponsored! They'll threaten to bring legal action against you if you take your kids on holiday during the school term!

WTF?!! It's a monopoly!

When was the last time your boss shouted at you that you had to take your holidays at the same time as him else you'd be picking up your P45?
Doesn't happen. (unless you're working for an apprenticeship in the third reich ofc).
Maybe the best way is to make your kids spoilt little shits that always get their own way and are more than willing to rave in a classroom so a brow-beaten no authority teacher has to clear the entire room of kids that actually want to learn, so shitty Johnny can throw furniture about because he's "special needs" (read - too much "magic" E-Number filled orange drink to wash down his chocolate straws). Then when they get excluded from school (after stabbing little pip in the eyes for the 6th time) you can go on holiday whenever you please.
Don't even get me started on plane fuel taxes and BA's baggage charges - I've taken an oath not to fly for holidays now, getting tax-sick, it's sunny (expensive in the school holidays) England for my Jollies from now on.
Quote of the day courtesy of Fight Club.
"We work jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need." QFT!

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We're Back


We're back...


An even bigger come back than Take That!




We have rallied the Jammy Blog Soldiers and we're on a mission to revive the Jammy Blog. If your reading this, come back soon for funny stories and twisted humor. We've been away for a while but I can assure you we are going to make a huge effort to try and make thing the way they used to be, or, EVEN BETTER!!!

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

I'm totally addicted to this...



I think i need some help!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Fuck Google!

Sorry just annoyed at the extra effort I had to make to login to a website that hasn’t even made any improvements for the extra money! CORPORATE WHORES!!!!!!

/rant:off

So recently we’ve been letting the side down a little when it comes to the blogging community, the old gang has split and fractured a bit since the good old days or yor when our unique and dynamic comedy styling changed the way people think about the internet. The rot set in when blog founder Jamal left the department to work for the over paid, over funded, over there, SAP whores that dominate the corporate landscape at ‘The Company’. Who could blame our intrepid leader for losing his sense of humor after being surrounded by the living dead for 8 hours a day?

Then the true killing blow came, yours truly decided he had had enough and told ‘The Company’ exactly what it could do with its grossly underpaid job. Despite almost going crazy watching reruns of ‘Open All Hours’ and ‘Porridge’ and wearing my penis down to a nub as I pummeled myself raw to internet pron, I managed to keep my dignity and I’ve never looked back. Needles to say, without their inspirational leader to keep their brain monkeys swinging things started to decline rapidly on the Jammyblog.

Shortly thereafter the third pillar of strength tumbled to the ground as our very own ‘Mr Reliable’ left for sunnier climes. If you’re reading this Kimbo I wish the all the best down there in sunny Oz! If you’re not reading this, then I hate your fucking guts for living in a better county than me, which is (at least according to UK telly) packed with fit birds just like the ones off Home and Away. Bastard!

Then just like a rat leaving a sinking ship, the Grimster decided that he better get out of there before ‘ze Germans’ arrived and made everyone wear lederhosen, one swift exit left later and our patented random word generator (without a firewall) was gone, reducing the overall profanity levels in the department by an impressive 4000%!!

And this Dear Reader, is how the seed of doom were sewn for the Jammyblog, the inspiration was gone, the posts began to dwindle, crowds of former-readers wandered aimlessly through the streets of the worlds major cities, desperately looking for a Word of the Day or something to make them go ‘Hmmmm’.

Life became dull.

But….

….all in not lost Dear Reader, yours truly has sent out the call! Across the land they hear it, echoing across the mountains and the plains into the ears of our former contributors. Like some kind of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen they come, drawn by a primeval need to post random acts of intellectual self harm anonymously on the internet.

The people wait, they can feel the change in the air. Soon THEY will come, soon the battle will be joined and soon they will be free!!

..

.