Who needs fox hunting when you've got extreme deer hunting?

Top 10 Puns?

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. Then one turns to the other and says, “Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from badbreath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Avast Land Lubbers!!

Avast! Ye scurrvy dogs!

I hope ye be ready and waiting for International Talk like a Pirate Day! It be set for the 19th O’ September, so be sharpening yer cutlass and teachin Polly t’ say ‘pieces of eight’. If talking like a pirate ye scurvy dogs not be, then to Davey Jone’s locker ye be cast after forty lashes to yer back…

All the ol sea dogs here at TJB be looking forward to it, we be setting up a yard arm in the office, ready for a mutany against the boss!

Yarr!

12 things you never say to a cop!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren' t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ..Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Secrets to a happy marriage...

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

Jammy's Turkey Tour

As you may or may not know the Jammy Turkey Tour starts this weekend. I'll be flying out from Manchester Airport, England, Sunday morning with a full week of FUN, SUN and BEER ahead of me. In true blogging tradition I will be keeping you up to date with my antics as much as possible. I'll be using the blog by text technology and I'll MMS any images to KIMBO to add to the post. Hope you enjoy the stories STAY TUNED!!!

Clueless...

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!". He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "Wat's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

Double Dare You?

Here at the Jammy blog we like to keep the posts as up to date as possible and keep you readers happy. No doubt many of you are sat in work bored surffing afew blogs, iching for some thing to perk you up a little, Well, why don't you and few collegues take part in the Jammy Dare Devil Challenge....

ONE-POINT DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed

2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



THREE-POINTS DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the subject field for all your e-mails, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run for your lives, they're loose!"

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this, I dare you!

Great Balls of Fire!!!

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for = $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure". The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?". "Vietnam," the general replied.

I'm flying without wings!!!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. Hoi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding."

I was never any good at maths!

Bullseye!

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beerhall. One of them says, "You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick". "How did You get it fixed?". "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right up her".
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull get's a rip roaring boner and immediately get's it right up the cow. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and get's a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that have a nosebleed?"

Caption Competition

Welcome to the next edition of TheJammyBlog Caption Competition.

The winner from last times competition was ‘Culfy’ with: ‘New series of Waltons somehow lacks innocence of original.’

So come on, this ones just dying to be ripped apart. How could I make it easier..?

One stone too far???

In this out of the way village there was a man called "Onestone". This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more. Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?.........."You can't kill two birds with one stone."

Dog eat Doug...

Check out this really cool blog, set up by an aspiring cartoonist to showcase his work. its based on the adventures of a young baby and a puppy as they get to know each other and the world around them. I spent over a hour scrolling through his old work last night and found myself chuckling at more than a few of the toons.

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed).
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

L'Oreal.... cause I'm worth it!!!

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can ? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says............ "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

Now that would hurt!!!

Farmyard Fable... It's true!!

One day, Horse and Hen were strolling through the farm and wandered into a field. Suddenly, Horse shouted out, "Help! I'm stuck in the mud! Help me!"
Hen cried, "What do I do, what do I do?".
"Go back to the farm and get help!" shouted Horse.
A few minutes later, Hen came back, driving the farmers BMW. She threw a rope around Horse's neck and towed him out. "Thank you Hen", said Horse. "You saved my life, I am indebted to you."
A couple of days later, Hen and Horse walked through the same field and suddenly Hen cried out "Help, I'm stuck in the mud! Help me!"
Horse cried, "What do I do, what do I do?".
"I don't know, just get me out!" shouted the frightened Hen.
Horse had an idea. He straddled the mud and lowered his dick down to Hen. "Here, grab onto that!" said Horse. Hen grabbed on, and Horse pulled her free of the mud.
"Thank you Horse", said Hen. "You saved my life!".
Horse thought for a while and said, "There's a moral to this, Hen,"
"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull the chicks!"
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End.

Doh!

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot". "Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The bloke looks at the £200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!

And first prize goes to........

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep. She goes the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it as directed and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it as she did to the dog. Amazingly it also works on the husband. The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's scrotum. He looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember what happened last night, but wherever you and I were, we got first and second place."

Can Johnny 5 short circuit your brain???

Look at the chart and say the COLOUR of the word and NOT the word itself.

Why is it so difficult?

Because the right half of your brain is trying to say the color, while the left side of your brain is trying to say the word!

Zoom Zoom Zoom.....

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched... "Stop!" he said in a firm voice "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a kit kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said and she went on her way. Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her, and shouted "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag and pulled out a beer coaster, held it up to him, and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her.... stark naked and holding a sizable erection in his hand. "Oh no!," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

Africa’s Dumbest Criminals?

Police in South Africa could not believe their luck in apprehending 20 of the countries most wanted criminals.

Police in the Kimberley area of the Northern Cape region had invited 190 of the province's most wanted criminals to a special VIP party with the promise of spectacular prizes. They sent invites out to the last known addresses of each of the criminals in an operation dubbed Operation Nice Surprise.

The police invite promised appearances from some top celebrities and live music. All guests were told they would receive a guaranteed prize by attending!

Some of South Africa’s most hardened criminals came out of hiding to go to the party, just as they received their ‘prizes’, armed police burst in and arrested them.

I guess being arrested by a cop wearing a blue wig, a big red nose and size 22 shoes is just about as humiliating as it can get.

OOOPs

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY?DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T

NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS?OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

Phwoar Or Fore?

Ever thought golf was just a game for middle-aged frumpies? Then take a look at American ace Natalie Gulbis. What a little cutie wouldn't mind playing a few rounds with her. What do you think, should more sexy women be playing golf? Leave your comments below.

Denmark 4 - 1 England

I'm sure all Englnad football supporters are feeling down in the dumps this morning, England have suffered an embarrasing 4-1 defeat at the hands of Denmark. The loss, England's biggest under Eriksson and the largest since a 4-1 defeat by Wales in 1980, was inflicted by second half goals from Dennis Rommedahl, Jon Dahl Tomasson, a Steven Gerrard own goal and an injury time strike from Soren Larsen. Wayne Rooney scored an 87th minute "consolation" although the nature of the poor performance from England will erase the memory of the neat finish. Much improvement is needed from the players (and especially from the clueless and uninspired tactical substitutions of Eriksson) for the matches against Wales and Northern Ireland next month. Lets hope England can pick them selves up off the floor and get back in the winnining spirit, thrashing Wales should raise spirits, lets just hope it's not another emaressment.

Dot to Dot...

How many black dots can you see?

Am I going mad?

Are the horizontal lines parallel or do they slope?

Increase Blog Traffic

Here at TJB were committed to providing fresh content every day with news, stories, jokes and competitions. We have recently created an account with blog explosion and followed their simple rule to create more traffic for our blog, since creating our account we have seen our traffic almost double in two days.

So in the good nature of TJB we thought we would bring this great service to your attention. Click on the link below and start improving your stats today.

Caption Competition

Check out the first in our new serious of ‘Caption Competitions’…

Add your entry onto the comments below and the best will get a special mention here on TJB…

X - Factor

Yes folks it's almost that time again...

As one reality TV program ends another enevitablt pops up in it's place, thats right X - Factor is due back on your telly box very soon. This year will no doubt bring together the same three groups that make the X - Factor.


THE GOOD












THE BAD
















AND THE UGLY











This year is sure to be another entertaining show. We'll keep you all our frequent visitors up to date with whats hot and whats not in this years X - Factor competition.

I hate Viruses!!!

We've not really managed to get any blogging of substance done this week. This is due to a bit of a virus situation at work combined with some serious staff shortages, so Jamal, Kimbo and I have been a bit tied up. Lucky Andy is off on a weeks sabbatical though, so maybe he’ll read this and decide to take up the strain?? (Hint, hint)

Anyway loyal bloggers, keep us in your favourites and we’ll be back on top form before you know it!

Speed Traps

The governments new weapon against speeding.

I hate speed cameras, and this picture as you may be aware is fake, it does some time seem as the the authorities are trapping us just like the image above portrays. Please feel free to leave you speed camera comments below.

If you fancy swatting up on spead cameras why not visit;

http://www.ukspeedcameras.co.uk/guide.htm

And God created...... the Party Pooper!

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck. Everyone inside the bus dies. They then get to meet their maker, God. Because of the grief they have experienced, God decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor laughing his rear end off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'them all ugly again!".

Good vibrations!!

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
Her daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.
Later that week, her father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband," his daughter replied.
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

T-mobile Twisting My Melon (Pt 2)

I gave my mobile phone back to T-mobile and they sent it to Nokia for repair, Nokia replace the unit as they can't fix it.

I pick the unit up, pop my SIM in and it works a treat. I drive off.

On my way to my friends house i decide to ring him. No sound!

Switch to loudspeaker, works okay, back to normal, nothing!

So i have to turn around, go back to the store, scream them stupid and they send the 2nd faulty hand set back to Nokia!!! So now i have to wait 10 days for them to 'fix' that one too.

My contract is up in 3 days and a rep is going to call me up! Boy oh boy is she gonna get it!!

Does Spelling Matter

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

How cool is that!!!!!

The Monday Rant

I HATE Mondays Arrrrrragh!!!

With all the thrills and spills of the weekend slowly being forgotten, some easier than others! You soon enter the Monday morning blues. Monday seem to be the longest day of the week, with many of your colleagues still in weekend mode the first few hours of the horrid Monday morning is a testing time...

Please feel free to leave your comments on this post, a good way to release those Monday Blues is to get it of your chest...

The best Monday rant in the comments of this post will be published on the main page next Monday.

Have a nice day !!!

Hallelujah!!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the f*cking beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

The Meaning of Life....

Another Year, Another 'Winner'

Well another year has passed in the Big Brother house, the big white door has opened and closed for the final time this season. Reality TV junkies everywhere grasp their remote controls with white knuckles, ‘flicking’ through the channels, desperately seeking the next fix, surviving in the meantime on episode of ‘Drunken Japanese Businessmen’ and ‘Changing Rooms’.

But as the razzmatazz dies down and the special editions of ‘Heat’ magazine blow away in the breeze like so much dust on the wind, spare a thought for the poor contestants. Self inflicted as it may be, they are about to spend the next few months learning the true meaning of the word reality.

So as the sleaze hounds gather, sniffing fresh meat and baying on the horizon. Spare a thought for the poor friends and relatives of these contestants, who are about to be dragged through the mud with them as allegations of ‘three in a bed sex romps’ and illegitimate children fly off the presses!!

And then of course there is poor Kinga, who in her desperate self-destructive attempt to be liked by the house mates and the country at large, sold her soul to the devil that is media broadcasting and told us all something about our selves that we probably would rather not know…

...what sells, is more important than people.

Let us hope poor Kinga doesn’t throw herself off a building from shame eh? Could leave one poor road sweep with a hell of a mess to clear up…

Poor Kinga, beside herslef...

Poooo Brother

Anthony has been crowned the winner of Big Brother 2005 with 57.3 per cent of the public vote, which leaves Eugene in second place! As you can see from the Jammy Blog Poll we got the result almost right, I'd just like to thank our readers for taking part in the vote, we should have another one up this weekend. My personal experience of this years Big Brother was in two words poo and boring. Let us know what you thought leave your comments below and your ideas of how the show should be improved if it should be that is....

Pepsi (partial credit)

Pepsi recently changed the recipe for their Diet Pepsi product to what they incredulously claim is it’s ‘best ever taste’. To say that this is false advertising is a gross under-statement. The taste is awful, its now tastes more like a vanilla coke than anything else.

Reminding one of my fellow Pepsi-heads of ‘Rolla Cola’, it remind me of that awful Virgin Cola that beardie billionaire Dickie Branson tried to push on the UK unsuccessfully about 10 years ago! Wakey Wakey Pepsi Co, people don’t want diet Pepsi to taste sweet!! That’s why we drink diet soda!! No one really thinks its going to help slimming or weight control with or without a calorie controlled diet. But what we do know is its not going to make my teeth fall out and its not going to leave a texture like I’ve been drinking syrup on my palette.

Whilst most hard core caffeine freaks are happy to take their fix from the god awful coffee machines dotted around our office, others like me, rely on Diet Pepsi and to guide us rather shakily through the daily train wreck that is our careers. With out sufficient caffeine, I’m liable to go postal!

Or maybe that’s the whole sadistic point Pepsi Co are trying to make. Maybe they woke up one day and said ‘Hey, let’s see how awful we can make our beverage before the junkies give it up? It’ll make good TV when all the stressed out caffeine monsters go on a killing spree’.

I for one will be switching to Diet Coke from now on, my new best friend. Unfortunately the vending machine here doesn’t stock it, so I’ll just have to hope they don’t relax the guns laws in the meantime…

Yours twitchingly,

Puggs.

Jam On The Roll

Welcome to Jam on the roll, I'm currently in London on a SAP Portal development course. Not really had chance to get out and out to get you readers any cool content, however I will never the less attempt to uphold blog law and keep writing. I woke up this morning to the possiblity of face serious flight delays as all the bag chuckers and ground crew from British Airways decided to walk out, over 17,000 passangers are currently stuck at Heathrow Airport, I have checked my flight and all seems well at BMI so is should get away on time...

Insania!!

That's right Pete!

Ever been down to nob hole?

What do 'Twat' and 'Nob hole' have in common?? Not what you might think! They are both funny place names here in the UK!

Take a look at this link and type in your postcode to see a list of funny place names near to where you live.

If it's really funny, post a comment and let us know! Thanks to Worldlife @ TS for a very amusing link!

Puggs,

Shabba!!!

Didn't realise Sadam had other hobbies as well!

Poor Little Skip!

Going.....

Going....

Going....

Gone!!!!

Doing it for the kids...

Doing it for the kids...

Crazy Things Louise Has Said!! (part 1)

Here at TJB we work with a lovely young lady by the name of Louise, whose sole duty on God's green earth seems to be to entertain us with her quotes of infinite wisdom.

Since she first joined the company she has provided us with a different perspective on life and proved, somewhat conclusively, that it is possible to live your entire life in complete and utter blissful ignorance.

After a while, I started cataloguing these wondrous phrases, but I never found a suitable forum in which to post them. All that has changed with the coming of thejammyblog and so here for your amusement are the first 10 of what will hopefully be a long serious of…

...Crazy Things Louise Has Said!!

1. Is ‘Duck’ sea food??
2. Chunky (her fish) is scared of drowning in the deep end.*
3. Drink more water to get a suntan.
4. I’m just not interested in the sky… or things like that.
5. I was looking in the box and it wasn’t there but then it was. It made me laugh.
6. How much is free-view?
7. WOW = Without Wire, “So what’s the extra W for?”
8. I’m off to get my messages from Tesco, you know Albran and stuff.
9. Is space real? Or is it just made up for TV?
10. When they take blood do they take it from both arms so it evens out?

*Incidentally, chunky the fish is now deceased.

Stay tuned folks, I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before we have another 10…

…Crazy Things Louise Has Said!!

NEW Competition!!

Here at the Jammy Blog, we've decided to award one loyal reader with a gift, from us to you. We've decided to offer the chance to win a copy of the current number one Album, signed (or not) by all four of our amazing superstar bloggers!!

But of course, you won't expect to win such a prestigious prize for nothing. So we're asking you to send us your pictures in our chosen category and the winner selected by our panel of jammyblog judges will win the prize. The top five photos will be posted, with a shout-out to the sender, here on thejammyblog!

This month's category is 'Most Outrageous Chav'. Send us your pictures of the most outrageous chav you can find to thejammyblog@hotmail.co.uk before our closing date of 29th August, the winner will be announced on thejammyblog on 1st September by way of a fresh blog. Please do not send copyrighted material and don't just pull something of Google image, only original pictures will win.

*Although we're happy to take a look at any funny pictures you want to send us.

A new competition will start every month with a new subject and a new prize to be won, so get your entries in quick...

Jammy on the Roll...

For thems as don’t know, our Jamal has taken it upon himself to wizz off down to London for a very important SAP Developers course. (Or at least that’s what he’s telling us)

While he’s down there he’s decided to bring us our very first ‘Jammy on the Roll’!

Inspired by Andy’s excellent review of what’s hot and what’s not in dreary Newcastle, we’ve decided that every time one of our intrepid bloggers goes off on a jolly, business or pleasure, we’ll carry on blogging the whole time we are away. Bringing you anything we can think of that’s the remotest bit interesting, or in the case of Jamo, just any old crap he can photograph with his camera phone.

So stay posted as Jamo brings you the latest news from the Big Smoke, coming up in the not too distant future, a trip to Turkey for one of our intrepid bloggers. Towards the end of this year a few more interesting places will pop up, so stay tuned.

We’ll keep you posted on future trips…

Puggs,

Taxis of the future... NOW!!!

Check out these images I took in the back of a black cab from London Heathrow to my hotel.

TFT TV in the back...

Niffty little remote on the window...

Shat it you slaaaaagggggg!!

Would you Adam and Eve it? A couple of cockney gangster wannabes have ‘pulled a Ronnie’ of their very own down in sunny Brazil.

Gaffers at the Central Bank in the north-eastern state of Ceara found themselves a little short of change on Monday morning. Seems that during the night an estimated 6-10 ‘blaggers’ broke through the supposedly secure vault floor and helped themselves to what they fancied.

The best bit? They tunnelled over 250 feet to reach the bank, residents living next to the house used for the heist reported seeing ‘truck loads’ of material coming in and out, but thought nothing of it.

They must have had some pretty big swag bags to take their prize home, the robbers made off with a whopping $63m or £38 million quid in proper money. (That’s €55m in case you wondered.)

It’s the biggest heist in Brazilian criminal history, Police investigator Francisco Queiroga told Reuters by phone: "It's something you see in the movies. They dug a tunnel that goes underneath two city blocks. They've been digging for three months."

Reports that Ronnie Biggs is offering them lodging at a rate of £1m a week have been denied by the legendary old slaaaaaaggggggg…

London Fights Back

London's new weapon against the terror threat!

Why! Why! Why!

Am I stuck in this rotten office on a gorgeous day like this???

I could be sat in a beer garden somewhere with a cold pint resting in my hand, watching the lovely ladies stroll past in their very short skits and low cut tops!

Life is just not fair!

*at the very least i could be adding to my blog!!

Optical Illusion

Drunken Arse

Friday night I decided to go out for a few drinks straight from work, bad idea. Allthough my afternoon started off with the best intentions things soon started to deteriarate. I have now decided to quit drinking alltoogether untill next weekend. Well the weather is really nice today maybe a couple of drinks would go down nice today in the summer sun...

Welcome Screamers!!!

Welcome Screamers!!!

I’ve noticed on my stats tracker that loads of my Screamer buddies have been visiting mine and Jamal’s website so I thought I’d offer up a special shout out to all the TS crew! (thanks to Scoobs for the comment!)

If you don’t know who ‘The Scream’ are, then take a look at here! Make sure you check out the forums, they are the life and soul of TS. (Don’t worry, we promise to lock Worldlife in the back yard until you’ve gone)

Hang in tight guys, Jamo’s working on a new blog that hopefully should be up tonight, he went on one major bender last night and he promises to post some crazy pictures later. Least that’s what he told me when he rang me wankered at 2:30am last night.

See ya’ll soon.
Puggs….

T-mobile, twisting me melon man…!

T-mobile are in for some verbal when I go into the store, been with them over 4 years on contract (2 years before that on PAYG) and this is the shit I have to put up with!

How come I go onto the T-mobile website and order a new contract, I select my price plan and my extras and my monthly bill comes to £27? I select my phone (Sony-Eriksson D750i) and go to the check out page. They want £49.99 for the phone, plus £5.60 delivery!!

Then I also find they want to charge me £1 a month to itemise my bill!!! Plus they want to charge me £2 a month to call customer services?? Hello? You want to bill me for the right to complain about your bad service??

So I go to another website that offers a list of the best mobile deals on the web at the moment and they have T-mobile at number one. The deal?? A Sony-Eriksson D750i FREE on a contract worth £29 a month, PLUS 6 month’s half-price line rental!!

Argh! I’m going crazy. I hate shopping for a new mobile!!

Squirrelly Wrath!!

Hey gang, check out my very first blog on the soon to be world famous Jammy Blog!

Some of you may not be aware of it, but the squirrels are on the rise. There here, there dangerous and they have a new leader:

Foamy the Squirrel

When Foamy is not trying to take over the world, he enjoys ranting about the Atkins diet, reality TV and just about anything else that upsets him. He’s my hero. But be careful when playing his toons, they’re not for the faint hearted.

This is one bad squirrel that never holds back. Joined by his pill popping buddy pillzie, he terrorises urbanites that invade his park buy tossing his killer nuts at them.

Check out www.illwillpress.com/archive and http://www.scarysquirrel.org/ for some of his best bits.

Peace out!

Kinga beers

Well if you would have seen big brother (UK) last night you would not have believed your eyes. We are at around day 69 and a new girl had just entered the house. Last night she got absolutely plastered (drunk) and grabbed a bottle of wine and sat on it. Me and my girlfriend could not believe our eyes. She then proceeded in to the garden and continued to play with the bottle.
UNBELIEVABLE!!!