USBO

Another entry from the USBO, it turns out that being kicked in the head can give your brain damage!

Well who would have thunk it???

Coming for you!

Don’t birthdays piss you off?? It's bad enough that you have to endure one yourself where everyone who supposedly cares for you decides to take the opportunity to remind you that you're a year closer to death by sending you cards with gift voucher for shops you don't shop at in. But enduring other peoples is just taking the Mickey! I mean what’s it all about, the whole 'it’s his/her birthday' get out clause that allows people to inflict themselves on you in the most inconvenient manor?

"You’ve got to come, it’s her birthday"

"I know you don’t like the music in that club and it’s full of cunts, but it’s his birthday"

"I know you’re allergic to seafood but it’s her birthday"

"I know you’ve just had open-heart surgery, but it’s her birthday!"

FUCK OFF!!

And as if that's bad enough once you get into a long term relationship you have to start enduring birthdays for peoples who aren’t even in your monkeysphere! There’s nothing like sitting down for a meal with 4 other couples who you don’t know to make your evening fly! Especially when the females (who all know each other and have conspired secretly to put you in this situation in the first place) start 'popping some shapes' on the dance floor and leave you to attempt to make conversation with the other poor rejects left drinking in the corner. So of course you end up getting twated on Stella to pass the time and then have to endure a weekend of stony silence for ‘Showing her up in front of her friends’.

I mean it’s not your fault no one appreciated you’re talking anus trick, is it??

Birthdays! Fuck em!

Please tell me...... WHY????

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
5. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
6. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
7. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
8. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
9. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
10. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
11. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
12. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
13. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
14. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
15. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
16. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
18. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
19. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -if they're okay, then it's you!

It's hot down here!

We're in Autumn season down under however temperatures are still reaching 40 odd degrees! Look at what happened to the ice cream van!

Pimp my BBQ!!!!

Should I get one of these for my house?

You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!!!!

Don’t you just hate brown nosing little cunts??

It was a slow day on the ranch on Saturday, the Puggster had just returned from 2 days of moving house only to discover that no one at the company had been paid on Friday. Moral was at an all time low and our always unpopular 3hr Saturday shift was about as welcome as George Bush jr riding a Harley Davidson through a Mosque.

So in true BOFH style I decided it was time for some 'Network Downtime'. One mouse click later and the 12 members of staff whom actually bothered to turn up for work are sitting in a huddle in the centre of the room swapping jokes and answering general knowledge questions from our big office quiz book. All is happy in the world and 30 minutes later they return to the phones happier and more productive than they were before.

So how shocked was I to discover that some conniving little tramp’s-cock sucker has had the tenacity to grass us up for it! Little fucker was happy enough to sit watching his (or her) arse grow with the rest of us, but went running off to earn themselves a brown star from one of the higher ups as soon as they could.

This whole situation pissed me off even more due to the fact that I came in a hour early to open up so two of the aforementioned higher ups could take the day off at the same time.

So needless to say when I catch the little scamp (and I will catch him, I am IT and I know all) he’s going to discover the true cost of upsetting the IT staff, especially when 90% of inbound calls get diverted to his work station and a routine inspection show’s some truly shocking material in his Internet Explorer cache!

NSFW for the win!!!

Drunk FTW!

OK, OK, Kimbo's post has been at the top of this page long enough for me to feel compelled to write something.
I Did a thing that I've not done since being married (believe me that's been a long long time) last night, (no - not got laid you mucky twats) the reality is I got really really drunk. Whilst being in a state of inebriation it appears that I spent the best part of 500 quid purchasing PC components.
Having only a vague recollection of sizing up the price of some new PC stuff, whilst her indoors was watching some murder flick (destiny calling?) so you can imagine in my hungover state the feeling of creeping dread I felt whilst picking up my e-mail this morning, worse still, having to go and tell Mrs. Grimster that I'd spent most of the cash in the bank account on PC gear. Well as you can see by my portrait here I'm still breathing and I'll report on how the build goes later on this week :)

It's been a while!

G'day you young hoons (or should that be bogans? or some other terms that the Aussies would use!) I thought I'd make an effort or else I'd be called a slacker for not contributing!

Life down under is certainly rosier (and hotter!) than Manchester. Time has flown since I made the big move down under. Anyway enough of the crap and on to some interesting things. As a newbie to the country, I have noticed one or two differences (and myths) to the Aussie way.

1. Back in the UK, we'd say "... throw a shrimp on the barbie!". I've been to a number of BBQ's and there have been no signs of any shrimp. What's going on there? Have the Poms got it wrong or do Aussies not like shrimp?

2. Pronounciations. How should "Router" be pronounced? Rawter or Rooter? Also, theres "Data", is it Darta or dayta? Poms say rooter and dayta but Aussies say Rawter and Darta. What's going on there? Someone please clear this up! (NOTE: Apparently a rooter in Aussie terms is to get a shag)

3. Did you know Australia is the biggest exporter of... Skin Cancer! (I don't think I've got it just yet)

Short and sweet I know but that's me done for now as it is 9 hours ahead down here! Keep up the good work fellow Jammy Bloggers and I'll be back soon!

BTW, check out these funky bags!

Best seperation letter ever?

ROFLCOPTER!

Had this drop into my inbox yesterday. Comedy gold!

Click me!

GHD? BFD!!!

The devils tool!!

'OMG! WTF! BANANAMAN FFS!!' Comes the cry from the Puggster this morning, as he is woken rudely from his slumber by the less than pleasant smell of burning flesh. It seems that my good lady wife (expletive deleted) decided that the end of the bed, inches away from my foot, would be a good place to put her ridiculously expensive GHD hair-strengtheners! And what makes them so expensive you ask? Well that would be the boast that they get hotter, faster than the next leading competitor. Well, I must admit that I have failed to char myself with any of the other leading market products, so in the interests of fairness I can’t really say if that’s true or not. I can however vouch wholeheartedly for there ability to make short work of human flesh!!

Expect my next post to via a secure facility somewhere in very remote part of the UK cos I’m off to continue the product testing on the missus! Will post the results!

Huffing Kittens

A recent but disturbing new trend has recently come to my attenion, I felt it my civic duty to share it with everyone.

For more details click here.

By understanding this menace we can identify and stop it before it gets out of control!

Be alert!.